April 7, 2013

I want to get the silly things out of the way for this week so I can actually write about something important. It's just been something that's been nagging me for the last couple days and I finally just want to lay it out on the table. But before that:

1. Started in the lab and it's really fun. Making fishies fall in love ohhh yeaaaaaa
2. Semester ends in three week- ah!
3. Breakfast is a beautiful thing.

Okay, I want- I need to elaborate on the breakfast topic just because it really is the most important meal of the day. How does french toast sound? Delicious? You bet it does because that's what I had for breakfast this week. I would like to see someone try to have a bad day when they had french toast for breakfast. It's almost statistically impossible. No matter what happens, no matter how crummy the day gets, you had french toast for breakfast. Now that's the power of breakfast.

4. The weather is finally feeling like spring! 50-60 degrees and climbing every day. No sight of that snow coming back knock on wood. 
5. Signed my lease for my new apartment come this August. It's a 2x2 with my friend and I'm really excited even though it's in the same complex as I am in right now, we'll at least be on the second or third floor which means "goodbye stupid little patio and hello sweet a balcony!"
6. My sonic screwdrivers were a hit!
7. I've caught up on a lot of my television that I was complaining about last week. If you're worried that that means I've procrastinated in hw, you are right to be concerned. Don't worry, like I said, I'm awesome.

Back to serious matters, I want to talk about self image.
Stephanie made a post on her blog a few days ago talking about the difficulties of keeping a positive attitude when being overweight. It was while reading this that I kept hearing myself say 'wow, me too' over and over again. I am sure that the majority of girls (and even guys) can admit that they feel insecure about their appearance in one way or another. This is so unacceptable.

For me, it's always been about weight and scars. Growing up I was always, I think the word I'm looking for is, mediocre. The same old Lisa who was never the skinniest in her class but never quite an eye sore either. Not huge per-say but the largest of her siblings, the largest of her friends, a branch among twigs.

You always think "when I'm finally skinnier I'll feel more comfortable. I won't feel so insecure". The problem is, I now weigh less that I have my entire adult life and those feelings haven't gone away. They just get replaced and most of the time with even worse thoughts. I'd always blamed my weight for the small irritations in my life. I could easily say 'of course he likes her instead of me because she's skinnier' But now what's the excuse?

One thought turns into a spiderweb of insecurities.

If it's not weight, what could it be?

It's my facial scars I've had since I was seven and got the chicken pox. Like in an elephant in the room, hardly anyone ever mentions them except for the time when someone mistook one as a bit of food clinging to my lip- embarrassing.

It's my eyebrows that are too thick- memories of my sister telling me I'd be pretty if I just plucked them already.

It's my voice, it's too deep and not feminine at all.

It's my fingernails, I knew I should have been more girly and spent 40 dollars a week to get manicures and pedicures.

It's my fingers which aren't straight.

It's my skin that's too pale.

It's my hair- it's too short.

It's my fashion sense, I'm a rhino that charged through a clothing department store.

It's my smile, my teeth are too yellow, they're not straight enough, they're too big.


It's my personality, I'm not interesting enough.

No, no, no, no.

This has to stop. This has to stop all the way at the beginning with the silly notion that once you achieve some sort of step on the beauty ladder that you'll be happy. You know what will you do once you get there? You'll look up and see and endless series of rungs that you can not possibly reach. 

Stephanie was absolutely right, we exist the way we are. The rest of the world is going to have to deal with that. There are things that you can change and things that you can not. At what point does it become too far? Who are you changing for? Someone else or for yourself? If you personally want to eat healthier or change your style, get plastic surgery for your own benefit, then okay but just do it for yourself. A relationship should change you but you should never change for a relationship.

It's not a secret, the key to happiness is being happy with yourself as you are. Yourself. No-one else matters. Even if you end up alone with a million cats, guess who you're going to live with for the rest of your life? Yourself. You've got to learn to love yourself. This is something that I've been trying to get better at lately. I just wish I could take every girl's face, and give them a good smoosh with the hands and tell them how amazing they are.

We are all unique because of these little things that we get insecure about. Who else in the world, in all of time and space could have the same combination of scars, eyebrows, voice, fingernails, fingers, skin, hair, fashion, smile, and personality that I have? Absolutely no-one. Those belong to me. That is amazing. We are all amazing. We're all statistical wonders. You're a wonder. 

Hello, my name is Lisa. 

I have six circular scars around bout my face.

My eyebrows are dark and full like two caterpillars about to make out with each other. 

I can reach a total of 7 different notes with my voice. 

My cuticles are a wreck and probably will never see better days. 

My short fingers look like human zig zags.

My skin is barely touched by the sun and my legs blind whales far out at sea. 

My hair is short and brown.

I dress like a kleptomaniac feels. 

My teeth aren't european but they ain't bleach white either. 

I am intelligent, I'm hilarious, I'm insane and passionate. 

This is who I am and I love it.

Now who are you?