February 5, 2014

If you've talked to me recently, you might now how majorly obsessed I am with the National. You know how you go through seasons of music? Well this time last year it was definitely David Bowie, thanks to the Next Day being released. Then I went through a very strong Mother Mother phase again in the spring. During the summer I kinda went on a Mumford and Sons trip that took a lot of rehab to get out of (Sarah and Stephanie, thanks for coping with it during the Pittsburgh trip). Over the fall I defaulted to Muse/Elbow like usual. This winter it's the National.


It's that horribly wonderful feeling where you physically can not stop listening to it. You are aware of your illness but there's nothing you can do. You try to listen to other music but ugh nothing is satisfying enough so you skip every song until you're right back where you began.

Then you begin to embrace it. And you go ahead and let your ipod just run through the artist over and over again. You go ahead and slip the CD in the car because you accept that the next couple months, this is who you are. And at least for a couple weeks or even months, nothing sounds better to you than those first few beats of that style. 

(my absolute favorite)

So, that's how my life has been lately. I'm just going to enjoy it until it winds down and then I become sick of them. There's something scary about sharing your favorite music, a favorite song. It's kind of offering up a bit of you and saying 'hey, this means something to me'.  And people will listen to it and every single person can get a different impression from it, that's art for you. People could hate it or love it or simply not care at all. The hating/not caring part kinda sucks since the whole 'hey, I connect to this on a spiritual level' thing.

It's kind of a gamble when you do that. And at the same time, we shove the things we love at people all the time and then get really offended when others don't love the same things. If we were smart we'd horde the things we love. We'd never share them with anyone at all. But all it takes is one person. One person who goes 'hey, your soul and my soul kinda share a thing!' that's probably about one of the coolest things ever. It's such a good feeling that it completely makes up for all the previous disappointments. Which is probably why we do display our passions so freely because we're all really desperately trying to connect with other people. What a lonely world we live in.

Anywho, that got really weird there. What I mainly was trying to say is that the National is coming around in April and I want to go. 

It has come to my attention that I need to start thinking about my future. Apparently when you graduate, things are supposed to happen after that. Apparently apparently those things only happen to you if you're being active in your life. I think it's safe to say that I am not an active participant in my life. Books teach us time after time that there are two types of people. People who let life just happen to them, and people who makes life happen to them. Interesting stories are only ever written about the latter. 

It's not that I haven't thought about my future. I think about it a lot. Problem is, it changes frequently. I don't have one set future that I'm striving for. Every time I close my eyes to think about what I want to do, I see a different situation. Some days I want to be a scientist. Other days I want to be an artist. Heck, there are days that I want to be an accountant. Is that a problem that a lot of people have? 

I've never been able to accept the idea that we really only get to choose one path. Yes, yes, YES. I know, people tell me every single day that you don't have to stick with just one thing and who knows what will happen in the future, you could end up doing something completely different than what you went to school for. Well, yes, this is true. And it's also completely false. You're all lying a little bit and you know it.

Let's think about this for a second. Yes, you can decide mid career to change jobs. This is not true for all careers though. I can't be and artist and then decide one day that I want to be a scientist. That does take schooling, that takes education. That means another 4-8 maybe even 10 years of school. Okay, you do that, fine. Then you decide, yeah, let's be an accountant. Well, I know how to count but what about the the other bits that account for the a-c-a-n-t that makes up an accountant? No idea, probably takes schooling. 2-4 years of school again? Sure! Decide after a few years of that boring desk job to go start your own business? Well, you don't need schooling but it probably helps. Plus, it usually takes a few years for any business to get up and go. By now, you're probably old and have one foot already in the grave. Is there really time in a life to do everything? Sadly, no.

Also, who has the money for that? No-one I know. One of my problems is, I secretly like my current job. I complain about it because that's what people are supposed to do. It's what everyone else does. I am conscious of the hypocrisy in that. It's the same social pressures that caused me to eat popcorn until my teenage years. It's what people just did at movie theaters. Although I do not want to end up being that waitress who's still working there twenty years later, I can close my eyes and it's another possible future. Still, I did not go to college for five years to get anything less than a career.

Anywho, there's this career fair on campus next week that I'm planning on attending but I'm having a hard time getting excited about it because all the employers sound really boring. I get online to look at job listings and all those sound really boring too. I'm not exactly sure what that means.

I got a new GT last week. I was really excited and then it turned out that it didn't work. A week of trouble shooting later, the company decides to send me a new one. I'm really hoping that this one works. My old wacom is five years old, I've realized just now. So the fact that the thing is hardly holding together anymore kinda makes more sense. It was still time to get a new one, but I might be regretting going the cheap route. I was really hoping that in those five years things had changed and that non-name brand tablets had gotten as good as name brand but maybe wacom really is lord of all in the tablet department. We'll see how this new new tablet they're sending me works before I decide to bow down to them though. 

I feel like I've announced on this blog that I've begun a healthy work out routine countless times and they've all never lasted. Partly because of the 'blog curse' where I mention habits on here and then immediately quit them. This time I think it's safe to say that I have honestly began working out on a regular basis and I can say this because I have the best motivation there is. A boy. Anywho, I'm now working out three times a week and I am not a 'working out' kind of person. I don't enjoy it and I know people say you learn to enjoy it. This, I can say is probably true. I'm not quite there yet but I can feel it happening. That foreboding feeling is a little less intense every day as I walk to the gym and every day I can push myself a little further.

I'm still nowhere close to the other girls in there who are moving like the Flash on the highest setting on all the machines but hey, it makes me feel a lot better later in he day as I'm eating a whole carton of ice cream that the dent in my health is a little less deep. Maybe next time you see me I'll have become a crazy amazon woman body builder.

The super bowl was last week or something? I dunno, I was too busy working to really understand but what I do know, is that the OSCARS are coming up and will be here in less than a month! You must read that 'oscars' in a sing songy voice. I'll accept nothing less. I'm super excited and I've dubbed February my "watch every nominated film" month. Which means I have a lot of movies to watch.

"Bring it on." -Pancake